Nora Desmond, a character in the Film Noir classic, Sunset Boulevard, was an aging, former silent film star. She tried desperately to hang on to the fame of her youth with tragic results. I don't wish to imply that I identify personally with this character but I do enjoy performing on stage. I like the feedback from an appreciative audience and miss the adulation when its over.
On Monday I felt the usual post-opera let down. It is so depressing after a week of performing to return to work and home life with no applause or curtain calls. I know I am appreciated by my family (and hopefully my patients) but they just don't show it as enthusiastically as the opera fans do.
This is the chorus of Don Pasquale before a performance. I'm the one who is dressed as Madame Butterfly. Quite a conglomeration of characters aren't we? Did you think opera was boring? Not the way we do it.
If only life was directable like a stage performance. (My spell-check doesn't like the word directable.) I think I've mentioned how my job is getting to me. I've dealt with the high-stress environment of the ER for over 30 years. I'm feeling like it is time for me to do something else. Just exactly what else I'd like to do is a dilemma.
Then there is my family. My mom is 80 years old, lives alone in a senior apartment building but is in need of more supervision lately because she is showing signs of Alzheimer's disease . Then there is my son who has Asperger's syndrome. He is very intelligent but needs to continue his education and find a career.
I have some of my own health issues I've been ignoring because of my focus on my weight loss. I've also neglected my fiscal health and my checking account is in a state of complete anarchy.
I'm writing this blog in the wee hours after midnight. I should be sleeping but I like the silence of night when I write. I went to the gym today but my eating has been chaotic.
It is difficult not to focus on the stressors in my life. I've tried to be a "glass half full" optimist. I love that spring has blossomed early this year. I enjoy being with my grandchildren. I love having a body that can do things it couldn't two years ago. But sometimes I want to succumb to the temptation to go up to my bed and pull the covers over my head to ignore all the demons. There is a lot of whining going on here. I hate whining.
This year marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Things could be worse.
Marlena of Mohegan
Aw, life just keeps cropping up, doesn't it. Sometimes I feel like my life is like that game where you have to hit the moles and they keep popping up from other holes while you are hitting one down.
ReplyDeleteSuperpowers would be great.