Yesterday I went to the podiatrist. My endocrinologist likes me to go every year to make sure my diabetes has not affected my feet. Even though my glucose is perfectly under control I will remain a diabetic throughout my life. Anyway I needed a minor surgical procedure on my big toe. It is rather painful and it didn't help any that while I was at the grocery store today I hit it with my shopping cart. I had to miss the gym last night and today. But my doctor thinks I'll be able to resume my workout by Saturday. I have some pain medication that works well and if I can just keep away from balky shopping carts I should be fine.
I'd mentioned that I had several medical things to do that I'd put on the back burner because I was concentrating on my weight loss. I saw my dentist last week. My dental health has been negatively influenced by my diabetes. Before my weight loss surgery I felt like I was not going to be living much longer. I figured I wouldn't need teeth if I was dead. Now that my early demise seems less likely it was time to do something about my mouth.
I found that I have bone loss on my upper jaw and some serious issues with the upper teeth. This has affected my ability to chew efficiently which is important for bariatric surgery patients. It's hard to admit I could have taken better care of my teeth during my lifetime. Sometimes it is easy to ignore dental health if nothing hurts. That really was a mistake. So was letting my blood sugar get out of control. I could continue here to be negative about all the poor choices I've made but that's not where I'm trying to go. The main goal here is to improve my health in all areas. Clearing up the conditions which caused the bone loss will influence the well-being of my whole body.
The other day at the gym I noticed some handouts on the counter in the ladies locker room. The title on the page is "The SIZE of my Life" and refers to a book by the same name by Karen Cigna. Karen has published a memoir of her lifetime of dieting and being every size from size 2 through size 26 and learning to love herself unconditionally. The handout had a "diet" of ways to accept and nurture your self image. When I first started to read this I thought about a time in my life when I decided I was not going to diet anymore. I'd had enough of the vicious cycle of losing, regaining and exceeding the weight I'd been before I'd started. I figured I would do less damage by staying where I was. That thinking was flawed. Of course my weight didn't stay the same. I got bigger.
Some people are able to maintain a constant weight. Their activity, diet and personal metabolic rate are all nicely coordinated to keep them within 4 or 5 pounds of their ideal weight. I hate those people. Well perhaps hate is too strong of a word. How about despise, loathe, detest or maybe abhor? What I really feel is probably all that verbiage is aimed at myself for not being one of them.
There were a couple of times in my life when I controlled my weight without effort. The first time was when I was a freshman in college. I was on a limited food budget and did a lot of walking. I dated a guy with no car and a long stride. I played racquetball, hiked and worked a part-time job. I noticed my clothing becoming loose. It was wonderful. The spell broke when I went home for the summer. That year it rained for the entire month of June. I couldn't find a job and I spent a lot of time reading and eating. By the time I went back to school in September I'd managed to gain back what I'd lost.
The other time when I couldn't seem to gain weight was my second pregnancy. I had a lot of morning sickness during the first few months. All I could keep down were pretzels and diet Pepsi. By the time I got over all the nausea and vomiting we had one of the hottest summers of my life. I drank a lot of water and I sweat gallons. My doctor wanted me to have extra testing because I wasn't gaining enough weight. I went ballistic. I said "You people are never happy". During my previous pregnancy I kept hearing that I was gaining too much. This time I ended up gaining only 17 lbs. My baby weighed over 9 lbs. When you count the weight of the placenta and the amniotic fluid it came out pretty equal. Afterwards I could wear clothing that was too small when I became pregnant! Again, it was wonderful. Some women say breast feeding helps them to weight postpartum. It didn't work that way for me. Naturally.
So I've spent a lot of time and energy being negative and critical. It takes a lot of effort shift the focus to being positive. One by one I'm addressing my personal issues. I might check out Karen Cigna's book for some advice on feeding myself a diet of love. She has a website www.sizeofmylife.com.
One caveat though. I can love myself at any size but I still want to be at a healthier weight. I've reversed a lot of medical issues by losing 170 lbs. Some of the damage can't be repaired and I'll live with that. There's still room for improvement however, so I'm not giving up!
Love to all,
Marlena of Mohegan
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